Happy Jetting? Really?

I'm a fearful flyer. Many of my friends and family already know this about me, but it's really hard to talk about because it feels so insane and I know people judge me for it. I worry about myself when I fly (and the worry starts the moment I buy the ticket) and I worry when my friends and family fly. When someone close to me flies, I feel like I am on standby until they land safely. My son is nearly seven and I have not flown since before he was born. We have not flown with him because of additional fears about how his severe food and environmental allergies could be affected given that tree nuts and pets are allowed on board. So now I can add him to the worry list. I do not like to go to airports. I do not even like to look at this picture because I picture myself on the plane and I do not want to be on there.

I have no idea what triggered this. When I was around 12 or 13, I flew with my parents and older sister from Boston to LA to visit my brother. From the moment we took off, I felt sick and started to write my will. I can't tell you why. I've read that a child's fear of flying may be triggered by something else that is going on in their lives at that moment--they maybe flying from one divorced parent to another or there might be an illness in the family or some other stressor. I do not recall anything specific; I just remember spending six hours in a state of panic. No one in my immediate family has this fear.

Because of this phobia, I dread trips involving flying. I worry until we land and then I worry while at the destination about the return flight. You maybe asking yourself, "Why doesn't she see a shrink or take some meds?" I have. It doesn't help. Nor do books nor talking to people who are well versed in the safety of flying. I know that my fear is irrational and my husband or my mother or a friend telling me so doesn't change anything. I know that flying is something like 30 times safer than driving. I do not talk about the fun things we'll do when we get there without the caveat (said aloud or in my head, "If we make it.") When making appointments or plans for sometime after the trip, I wonder if I will be back home to do those things.

One of the worst mistakes a fearful flyer can make is wait too long between trips. I had that flight x-country when I was in the eight grade and then did not fly again until I was in my early 20's. I flew semi-regularly until my mid 30's, many times alone and always holding my breath. Now there has been this lull since having my son. His tree nut and pet allergies add another layer of things to feel out of control about while flying. And let's not even talk about terrorism.

There's little I can do but to suck it up. I watch other passengers' faces during turbulence to see if they are afraid. I watch the flight attendants, too, for signs of panic--a problem with the aircraft they are hiding from us. No distraction or progressive relaxation works. I tell God (even though I'm not religious) that if I get through this one safely, I will never fly again. And if we crash, please let death come quickly. I exit the plane with my stomach tight and my face red, swearing I will keep my promise to God.

This is life as a fearful flyer, though there is much more to it. It sounds idiotic, pathetic, and unimaginable. But it's real to me. I would give an arm to lose this fear. I know how I've limited myself. I need to get back across country and I know I will book a ticket and go through this all over again. At least this upcoming trip is a short flight. A fear almost as great as flying, is that I will give this disease to my son. I'm going to have to pull off the greatest acting job of all time and that is my plan. Flying JetBlue with DirecTV, I have to imagine we will watch 90 minutes of Sponge Bob. Who knows? Perhaps he will be the cure.

I will post a blog when we return to Vacationland about how it went this time. If we make it, that is.